so

i want thighs smaller than my knew caps more than anything
was angry/upset today i went out 3 times for exercise (job/run/walk)
and moderately healthy eating :)

research

i have done ALOT of browsing today on the net
and i have also counted that i have about 3 months to lose 35 pounds, do-able? i think so :)! were going on a big party holiday haha and my bikini WILL look amazing. so fasting has been failing for me simply coz ive been exercising so much. but after all this research i have found my staple foods/safe foods in which i will live off till i reach my desired weight, these include: DIET COKE (and a shit load of it), popcorn, sugar free gum & mints, cucumber, apples, oranges, celery, tomato, lettuce, jelo, weight watchers pudding, stringer cheese, and coffee. woo road to success, to thin :)

till october 10th

fasting starts today. stick to diet soft drinks or fresh juice ;)!
or if im desperately in need i will eat a low cal jelo, only 14 calories
woo

YEAH FASTING

midsummers night fast starts this friday woo i need this

wow

so inspired to post again. haha.

its so fucked up
i dont know what to do
yesterday i was the happiest ive been in a while because i felt pure control from both not eating and not talking to my boyf. this is the fucked up part - it made me think my weight would be better off if i didnt have him in my life. i love him and i want both, i want him and to be tiny. argh, last night i was actually considering breaking up with him. him, the one i thought id live the rest of my life with. ugh. fucking hard decisions. and i worked last night (work at maccas) and i was able to resist everything over my 8 hour shift, which is usually quite difficult as i can eat or drink anything i like for free, but i just stuck with diet coke & coke zero. fuck im good haha. and i know for a fact that since me and him have been dating i have put on weight.

besides diet pepsi what other sodas have

i wonder

how long would i be able to live off just diet joke? hahahaha

so i think the plan is: the occasional fruit or veges, and then every other time just diet coke (L) low calorie jelo and smokes woo

havent posted in a while, havent felt like im enough inspiration or inspired enough. but now i am. its odd. i think me eating is related to my boyf. weve been together for 6 months and while im happy with him im still unhappy with my image, i put on weight because i eat around him not to hide the ed but just coz. and so were in a major fight. and i feel majorly inspired without him really. all i had today was some tea (which i have without sugar or milk :D) and 2 cans of diet coke. no gum like usual no lollypops like usual. i just feel happy and energetic. i also took a caffeine pill this morning which is probably half the way i feel this way but HEY IF IT WORKS im loving this feeling :)! plus i bought like the most amazing dress last night and i think itd look better without love handles so i aint eating till after tomorrow night (which is the event in which im wearing the dress) hahahaha woo.

anybody who read this post, place a comment i'd like to know whos really listening and i wanna help everybody (hahaha i feel amazing)

stay strong girls and (maybe) guys
xx

ipicac

have any of you heard of ipicac? its this liquid that makes you vomit, i asked for it at the chemist the other day after an unavoidable binge. well they didnt stock it. so i ordered it online, and i got it today. woo this is good as every time i try to purge it fails, physically. eeeek :)

death

one of my best friends tried to kill herself today, fuck. it made me realize the horror of what i put my boyfriend thru when i tell him i may not be alive tomorrow coz we've had an arguement or something. shit

Rest in peace girl, your death is such a shame
The paper said a bullet got in your way
But I smell foul play, possible poisoning
I had to bring you in for questioning
I went to your grave, dug up your body
Brought it to my house, where you lay

So let's play doctor babe
We'll operate today
Incisions must be made
You could help solve this case
For me...

I headed downtown, to share what I had found
It's not a suicide, it's a crime
I have a witness, it's clearly evident
There had to be someone else present
At the time of death, poisons in stomach
How could she pull it, if she's dead?

So let's play doctor babe
We'll operate today
Incisions must be made
You could help solve this case
We need a scalpel now
Under white lights you lay
We've got to hurry up
Before the flesh decays
Away...away

I'll catch the murderer
And send him away
I'll get the evidence
From your last day

Your last day...

new

so over the past week ive been doing well, not eating fantastic but not too bad either, i can see myself transforming again. id like to also thank some diet pills for a bit of that. but like no joke, i just woke up from an amazing dream. i was a proper anoretic, they put me into hospital and it felt good. it was pure control. even after now being awake i feel inspired. so for the next few weeks/months whenever, im gonna focus my intake purely on carrots and mustard, with the occasional strawberrie, slice of cucumber, or watermelon. because i want this. fuck food, sure it tastes good but since ive been chasing this dream for such a long time its time to make the dream reality. fuck fuck fuck. wow i feel so enthuised. so thats that. ill hopefully update again soon :) stay strong, and i hope you all find the inspiration i have :)

normal

holidays were pathetic. i tried to fast then id break down and eat coz i was working so much. i couldnt handle it. first week back at school i ate healthy/normal. last night i broke down, 5 hours of panic attacks, yelling at my boyfriend, breaking things, crying. until i took 3 sleeping pills and i was knocked out. see ive tried to be normal but it ends out with anxiety. so to control my anxiety i need to control my food /sigh. for the next 3 days ill be living on green tea, water and diet pills. aha. my dad got me a gym membership as im competing in an annual 12k fun run. so yay. sorry i havent blogged in ages i just felt too pathetic. write up soon :) wish me luck on the next 3 days aha. x

sucess

so im sick of failure, my frame of mind has been so right over the past week, just eating healthy doesnt work for me aha. since monday i have been juice fasting as well as doing a minimum of an hour intense exercise a day, and i have formal this week so its been the biggest inspiration. right now my body is telling me it would be so easy to eat. but i cant ruin this now. oh well i will update soon :)

day 3

so the week of fasting was ruined by the flu :( i have been so sick today and i didnt eat until i had too, and all i had was pumpkin soup and 2 slices of toast with a little peanut butter :( i feel a little better. but although im sick i plan to go for a walk/run later. and then to start fasting again tomorrow because after the first 2 days i lost heaps! ill update again soon :)

nomnom

i think a nice little week of fasting will do me good. starting tomorrow - tuesday

thinspo/determination

so im feeling so proud of myself :) its only been 3 days but theyve been fantastic - well when it comes to this issue anyway :) so ive been able to control myself, and ive started exercising in my room each night while reading wasted so i must say i recomend reading of the book, ive read it all in the past 3 days! and ive found it the biggest thinspo, each morning i watch the pounds drop off! along with lots of water, coffee, and sugar free mints :) i think until i find another book besides winter girls (which really isnt as good) i will continue to constantly re-read over and over again wasted. it makes exercising not so boring plus provides me with inspiration.

im in such a good mood about this. if i continue with major success, i may actually posts stats next week! eeeeeeek :D

stay strong, and your all beautiful :)

starving sundays

so sundays are sacred, they begin with taking laxatives on a saturday night to cleanse the body. sundays i fast with nothing but water and green tea.
so my first sunday of this im doing well, then we decide were going to my grandmas for dinner (who serves the largest portions) she made meat pie with vegetables, now its extrememly important i eat something in front of her. so i ate all the vegetables then a little meat but started pushing it around the plate. my father noticed this and to my suprise said 'you dont have to eat it all' which later he explained was because he knows i only eat small portions so i was delighted. everybody except me had icecream for dessert :) so proud of myself. now on the way home after eating i got horrible digestion and chest pains. i knew it was because it was the first thing id eaten today. so i tried a few hot milos (without milk just water, which i dont think is too many calories). so this morning i weigh 2 pounds less than yesterday :) woo.

todays a new day :)
stay strong x

2:49am mind racing and jittery

so i cant sleep. ive tried everything. so i'll update.everythings getting better, i think that my brain is finally taking this seriously. ive started reading wasted for the 4th time i think. im quite proud of myself today, ive decided i like working, although there are temptations ive overcome those temptations at work and were now selling green tea again which is my choice of shift drink :) which is probably why im currently buzzing. for breakfast i had fat free yoghurt (65 calories) and then for lunch on break at work i had a little mix of celery, cucumber, carrot and 2 rice cakes (approx 100 calories) then as i was home i had a milo with water and a little milk so maybe (??????? calories, cant be too many though). i was disapointed i couldnt exercise today it was pissin down with rain. oh well hopefully this morning (if i ever get any sleep) i should be able to go work out. and im going to buy a proper set of scales, and a skipping rope. i also took laxatives a few hours ago and my belly wont shut up and it aches.

stay strong girrrlies :)

Q.

please provide me with an A.

now the Q, is whats the best you reckon out of: running and walking combined, just walking, or jogging without many stops?
and all is around the same distance
coz i wanna burn fat but i feel lazy if i only walk, and if i sprint then walk or just jog im scared ill gain too much muscle :( i think maybe jogging but with walking rests?

eeeeek iunno, help please :)!

new love :)!

ive found a new love for celery with salsa :)
the celery is supposedly 7 calories for like a bunch, but some say its negative calories.. like i understand why but i dunno whats the truth, oh well 7 calories is almost nothing anyway. and salsa well its like 20 calories the one i have :DDD
so yeah, and stuffs been pretty good, like my boyfriends parents have been away so ive been with him alllllll week and he knows im feeling quite anxious about my weight lately so he ensures i at least eat a bit and what he thinks is 'healthy' yeah fuck you pasta and cookies arent healthy -____-"
anyway, we had casual day at school today and the girl i was talking about previously was wearing leggings (i wish i could wear just leggings and look fantastic) but as she walked past my friends group all just dropped their jaws as to how tiny she really was, (she apparently weighs 35kilos = 77 pounds) now honestly i think it looked good but in a way i can see how my friends thought it was disgusting, but i still long to be her. shes getting help now. but the way her story amazes me is that this has all happened in less than 6 months, she has lost so much weight in this small amount of time and before hand she was even slightly chubby.

thats all for now, take care lovelies :)

you know your looking at a winner

firstly i would like to thank athANAsy (and sorry i dont know how to link your name) and im also apologetic to her because i havent read my own blog for a while and i was unaware she gave me the beautiful blogger award ^__^ your truely beautiful girl :)
now secondly im going to admit my weakness of the past few weeks, while ive been running its done nothing and im not excusing myself for eating shit anymore. its strict intake and strict exercise, also ive decided sundays will be my day of cleanse, which means fasting, and laxatives on a saturday night if i am at home. theres a girl at school and its so obvious thats shes ana, of the past half year shes gone from normal to stick thin and her bones jutting out, just seeing her everyday is inspiration. i started my strictness yesterday and when my boyfriend talked about pizza for dinner i just thought of this girl. the first few days of 'dieting' are the hardest and im prepared to get through these days and then im hoping it will all get easier. wish me luck. im sick of crying and having panic attacks.
unrelated, i have a few therapist sessions to do with family although ill hopefully get my anxiety disorder settled for good

ill update again soon, hopefully :)
stay strong xx

something

cant sleep somethings different. i feel change. theres a feeling inside of me thats different and weird and its result of a change. but what. hopefully positive

a dream or a wish

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars, i could really do with a wish right now

so

fat people are the first to become victims to zombies

positive

so i went shopping with my friend and i just have to buy some nice skinny jeans :) so i go to try on the cutest, black cut up jeans and i cant do the zip up. i start to feel a panic attack come on, but as im in a shopping centre i contaion myself but i just wanted to go home. i dropped my friend home and by now its pitch black. im so angry from the jeans that i go run in the dark. after my recent illness i had lost most of my physical abilities haha so i hadnt run in ages. that was on thursday, and i felt so good after, i made myself a promise to run everyday until i fit into those jeans but one size smaller than the ones i tried on. so its sunday and ive run everyday since then. i admit my intake of food has been disgusting i wont even go into that but its improving. i feel so good from all the running, and so inspired!

can't sleep

so i cant sleep and i think its because ive probably had a little too much caffeine today. mhhm. my life right now is so depressing i just want to cry and never stop. i think i should buy a set of scales because maybe then, i wont give in to the little voice inside my head thats telling me to eat that one little thing. my week went well though because each night before i went to bed i planned out my meals for the day and i followed them well. i incorporated exercise in but not enough. then comes the weekend. i have to work, and working at mcdonalds is the worst possible place to work when you want to be slim. during shift its so so so hard to resist food thats thrown at you. im disgusted by the meat so i dont eat that buts it usually shakes, fries and icecream ughhhh. i just cant help it. luckily im only working two days a week now. and i took my big ass bottle of water in today which probably cut out a bit of my usual intake. im so tempted to quit just so i dont have those temptations but ive been there so long, and they love me and im getting so far. haha i know that sounds lame, that im getting far at maccas but its true :)! im friends with my bestie again, we havent talked for like 2 months, its pretty sad. shes on a diet and wants to start exercising which i said id join her in. this week my goal is to exercise in all my free time no matter what the wheather or time which is usually so difficult for me. so im feeling a mix of shit and a mix of good, but mostly shit haha. oh i wish i wish i could just float away into nothingness...

mhhm

i think im gonna take some time off from writing. i'll still be reading blogs and such but i dont think ill be posting unless ive had any realy success. i have formal in about 10 weeks and right now thats whats pushing me to be healthier. ive decided that my calorie intake for a day has to be between 500 and 1000 because beforehand when i was eating very, very little i would usually binge at some point. ive also decided to build up more muscle because i guess id rather muscle over fat. today went well with around 600 calories and as i had ballet all night i wasn't home, bored so i couldnt binge :) but tomorrow we finish school early and hopefully i dont come home and just binge. oh well hopefully i'll be ok. i promise to write real soon, take care x

today

it wasnt that bad. i got up this morning and felt fine. had breakfast and thats when my stomach ache started to come on, i had cramps during the first few hours of the day but barely sat on the toilet (sorry about the details). i drank alot of water though and most of the time felt too sick to eat. but after school i had a doctors appointment which my boyfriend drove me too and he bought me 4 packets of lollypops, at least its all just sugar that i can burn off. but then he decided we should eat kfc for dinner. i pretty much just ate the potato and gravy. but i felt so bad about it i just took more laxatives coz i knoew i'll be able to deal with it tomorrow. i also went to the shops and ive bought various healthy snacks to keep me from even thinking about binging so hopefully this goes well :)

as if a good thing could ever make up for all the pain

i got into a pretty big fight with my boyfriend tonight. when im upset i have panic attacks and i have to take some kind of placebo to make me better which is usually just my iron tablets or nodoz. but i just had laxatives, its not that i felt fat (even though i do) i just used it to calm me down. i took a little more than it suggests. i'll update tomorrow to tell you how this turns out. and ill update on my progress of lately. night, hope your all doing well

an apple a day....

i recently read those who ate an apple a day halved their chance of getting cancer and then those who ate 2 apples a day halved the chance again. i cut out the article and stuck it on my wall. right now my metabolism is fucked. while i wanna be healthy, and eat healthy, and be normal its too hard to try and i end up starving then binging then starving and starving and binging. so i wanna try to eat a little more often but healthy stuff of course. do you see that backstage at fashion shows the most common foods eaten by models are apples. and having that cancer cut by eating apples just inspires me to eat them even more. can you guys tell me what your favourite healthy snack is that satisfies your craving to binge?

a whisper to a scream

a scream of desperation. im feeling quite strong lately. i finally bought those laxatives. theyll be sitting in my drawer, just in case. the juice fasting thing well lets just say after one day i ran out of fruit and veges. its expensive. so mhhm. im going nuts in my head. i cant help it. my mind is constantly racing. and i feel so fat its so gross :( but i think it will be ok. i hope it will be ok. ive discovered a love for air popped popcorn. low calories. and im going walking tomorrow morning. schools starting to stress me out /sigh.

semi-juice fast

so my dads great and he bought me a juicer :)! so ive decided that a juic fast is definately needed. although due to my dancing, my intense p.e. class, and my recent blood loss, i would probably pass out at school or something if i was surviving on juice alone. so i researched and researched no fat muffins and i made these cute little muffins with zero fat. so seeing its hard to take the juicer to school (lol thatd be so funny) i'll take one of my muffins :) and the good thing about the juicer is that it came with recipes and calories for all the fruit and veges aha so at least i know whats healthiest etc.

the last few days have been well i think but ive been so tired. so one other thing about this juice fast is that it will have to include caffeine, which will vary from day to day like either sugar free redbull, nodoz, soy lattes, aswell as my diet coke :)

my stomach is looking better already. if this juice fast goes well i think i may actually have the courage to put photos up aha. wish me luck. and one other thing, i was just wondering how long i should do this for. ive figured out for the next few days that i can get away with it for sure. i mean minimum of a week, and i guess if i get into situations where i have to eat i will just continue the fast after or some up with my little excuses :)

laxatives?

opinions. stories. recomendations. etc. anything on laxatives, please help :)!
today has been amazing. all i ate was a pear. i resisted more temptations than im usually offered. and hopefully tomorrow i'll see the results. my mind is racing. chew. suck. slurp. run. walk. faster. peel. i need to have thoughts racing through my mind. it feels good. real fucking good. im tired coz i have had proper sleep for about 3 days now. so not a long post. i'll post again tomorrow, and as i said any info on personel laxative use is needed! thanks lovelies

signing out

today was definately a success, and i could feel the nodoz i had get me so excited and just hyper and i dont wanna eat. my boyfriend came over for dinner and requested i made my classic burgers. so i did and i probably had about 3 bites, which then the smoke alarm went off and while my dad was fixing it, i chucked the rest of the burger out. so today i had an apple, redbull, and 3 small bites of a burger. i also bought lollypops, gum, tic tacs, and sugar free mints while i was at the shopsss :) ive got a good feeling about all this. now im going out and hopefully my alcohol intake wont be too high calorie but im sure ill vomit it up coz my stomach hates booze aha. night all x

Bulimia

im just bored at the moment. im gonna let you all know right now that i could hever be, or have ever been bulimic. i tried once or twice in my younger years and i just couldn't do it. like it was physically impossible. that just means i cant eat. or scoff down laxatives if i do decide to eat shit food. i went for such a long up hill walk this morning im actually sore + tired and its only midday. i had an apple before i walked and had a redbull after. just took 2 nodoz to wake me up a little which will later remind me not to eat while shopping. thats all for now, except hopefully i get my jumping jacks in tonight as my boyfriends coming over and after im going out mhhm im sure i can sneak them in somewhere. i truely reckon they help.

anoretic

ive got this sudden burst of energy, anger. madness. craze. this better be the start of something good. something long lasting. i dont care whether or not people read this blog. its my own personel journel to write about the highlights and failures of my day. my fat day. or my thin day. marya's book, 'wasted' is my new bible. i cant put it down. i think thats whats started this new 'phase' which hopefully isn't just a phase. that book is my new bible. when i finish reading it, i'll pick it back up and start again. over and over again. because if i dont. ill get fat. well fatter than i already am. im done. im buying laxatives. i have nodoz at the ready. i just did 1000 jumping jacks in my cold room with the music playing so my father cant hear the shuffling of my body jumping up and down. so he couldnt hear each THUD as i hit the ground. YOU FAT COW YOU ATE CHIPS AND A BURGER, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT, YOU DIDNT HAVE TO EAT IT, THEY OFFERED YOU COULDVE REFUSED, YOU WERENT EVEN HUNGRY. so you know what, fuck you. tomorrow is a new day. so is the day after that. plan for tomorrow, eat a pear or apple, go do my hiking walk with my gay friend jack and then take 6 nodoz through out the day to stop eating. shopping tomorrow. great its not like i look good in clothes anyway. im looking forward to tomorrow night. were going out to town, and ill just get fucked up and vomit all the alcohol back up. drugs i guess if theyre available. i wanna float through my life ive decided. do whatever i can. achieve everything, take any kind of pill. now i can promise you itll get better from here. pinky promise? i wish. im hopeless, i cant follow this shit. but the thing is, ive wanted to die my whole life, why dont i just starve myself to death? nah coz im too fucking hopeless. i wish i had somebody with me always that would throw food out of my hand when i didnt need it. if this goes to plan i wanna write every night just before i go to sleep.i wanna be good at something. this has to be it.



please

it has begun :)

well as it was good friday i was unable to start ABC today, family feeding is harder to resist than i thought. but i did go for a big walk around the big block with weights then i went to the oval and ran. in the dark. i ran hard. it felt so good. i feel so good. i can feel hunger now it feels so good. i bought nodoz today which will come to good use in the holidays. im still to scared to buy laxatives. should i? please helppppp, girls/guys can you please share your laxative experiences lol.
but yeah im ready to start ABC tomorrow
this is what is inspiring me:
i will be the skinniest girl in school
i want the fur to grow on my back again to keep me warm
i dont care if my hair goes shit, thats when my hair extensions come to good use

im ready for this. i want it now. i want fast results. and over the next two days im going to try and blog every day. and please, please i hope i dont fail. i want this more than anything.

i hope this inspires people :)

back /sigh

reatreat was a joke. the cook was a joke. she was the head of her own catering company. the food she cooked was AMAZING. im not gonna go into details. i had to eat. the food was so nice. i guess im happy im not surrounded by that food here. hopefully i didnt gain too much. i had small serving sizes. and on one day a girl called me a fatty for eating a muffin (a friend making a joke) i was pissed off so i just ate garden salad for lunch even though they put nachos on my plate i resisted. and the exercise, we needed the energy. well im back and ready. ready to start the ABC tomorrow. ready to run everyday for the next 2 weeks of break. i have a question. should i buy laxatives as a punishment for if i binge? or is it really that horrible? mhhm?
tomorrows gonna be a stress. start of the abc, but we have morning tea at my grandmas with hot cross buns to celebreat good friday. woo -_-" like 200 and something clories in a hot cross bun, fml ill eat like one. but im excited to push myself to run everyday. i hope i can do it. peace out lovelies x

retreat

i'll be back in four days, i promise. and i hopefully i wont come back as some obese fat bloated cow, retreat will either be really good or really shit. it could be good as it depends on how well im watched and the food could be low calorie where we get tp pick our own serving size etc. or it could be really bad with big slobs or fatty foods that were forced to put down our throats and to be grateful and finish the whole dish /sigh. i wish i had time to go buy laxatives or something. ive decided laxatives are my new punishment if i binge. talk soon lovelies, wish me luck x

ugh

is it just me or, when i think about being fat it makes me so pissed off, angry, upset, that i need to just stuff my face, to just give up. fuck. i just read winter girls today. i suggest you girls read it :) it was quite inspiring. im gonna start ABC in a few days, anybody wanna join me? x

i have 10 minutes :)

ok well i have now 8 minutes till i leave to go to the doctor (something to do with my blood /sighhh) and so i didnt know what to do. just a quick post :) i havent been as active as i wouldve liked but its getting there ! i got up at 6am today to go to the gym with my dad woo :D although we werent there for heaps long coz he didnt feel up to it. he said when we move house hes gonna buy me a membership :) next to the eating. well its been ok. i live off diet coke and green tea but i seem to have small binges in the afternoon. it hasnt done too much damage and im glad i can get back up instead of giving up. last night i chopped up all this carrot and celery and put it in a bowl of water in the fridge so if i binge i can do it with healthy vegetables :) and also to stop binging, instead of just not eating anything during the day (besides diet coke) im taking a tomato to school and today because i went to the gym and may feel a little faint, im taking a small packet of kids cheese shapes haha. i have a few diets in mind as the holidays are coming up. i think week one ill live off just celery. as much as i want. whenever im hungry. then second week ill do what the girl does in devil wears prada and eat nothing until i feel like im going to pass out and have a cube of cheese, lol sounds kinda lame but maybe its a good idea? only problem is next week we have year 12 retreat, which sucks coz the teachers watch us like hawks, im surrounded by friends etc and itll be hard not to eat. ill just pick the healthy stuff. and were allowed to take our own snacks, drinks etc i plan on taking diet coke haha love that stuff. anyway doctors here i come ughhhh more needles. hope you all have a great day 8D

inspired;)!

after going through some peoples blogs i feel inspired to write here almost everyday if i have the time. because even if not many people read this by writing this it makes me feel amazing :) my diet is consisting of only green tea, diet coke and one mars bar a day. i already feel better. i just need to keep this up for the next 3 weeks although it will be difficult to avoid my fathers dinner forever.i read the maximum cups of green tea a day you should have is 10 and im getting close :) they say for weight loss benefits a minimum of 4 cups a day so by having close to 10 a day it should be good. and as i know that half way through the day i get to eat a mars bar its worth the hunger pains. ill probably write again either tonight or tomorrow :)

its been a while

i should probably get back into writing in this blog after all the stress im under i think itll help :) now i havent completely fallen off the rails seeing i havent written in a while ive just have zero achievements haha i was in hospital for a bit due to other things and gained a bit of weight there that im now ready to shed. i put up a picture of lady gaga from her telephone film clip i love it, its amazing :) shes lost so much weight her stomach and ass look so great. i read somewhere that her rapid weight loss was from for a few weeks all she had was coffee, diet soda and one mars bar a day to keep up her sugar levels. so starting today its a few diet cokes a day with one mars bar. so far so good haha :) and i have my dance classes tonight. as well as starting to hit the gym with my dad again and wednesday afternoons me and my friend are going to this park to walk :) so happy. im so keen to look good for my boyfriend and when ive lost a bit of weight im gonna buy some sexy lingerie etc and impress him. he definately deserves it for putting up with me. as for stress omg last year at school everythings a stress! but it gives me an excuse to spend recess and lunch in the study hall and not outside being forced to eat around friends. im pretty happy right now and hope anybody who reads this is too :) hopefully ill write back soon and HOPING i stick to my diet coke and mars bars. quick question what do you guys think is better diet coke or coze zero? mhhm give me your opinions :D thankyouuuuu, now for some situps :D

im living a nightmare

so i know you havent heard from me in a very long time and thats because i went to vietnam for little over a month and yeah. i warn you now this blog will be long as its 2:26am and i seriously cannot sleep. too much on the mind. so i might as well release, release it all as ive tried everything else to make me sleepy. now where was i, yeah i though mhhm while in vietnam nobody can control how or what i eat so hopefully ill come back tanned and skinny etc (it was a school trip) the first week i lost heaps of weight it was great buut after that i slowly put it back on, and i ended up thinking 'im on an amazing, once in a life time trip, dont ruin this just try new things' so i did and yeah that weight didnt stay off me long. then we did lots of energy stripping activities that required me to eat or id pass out and god those teachers on the trip were horribly over protective and if somebody felt the slightest bit sick they were watched like a hawk and had food forced down there throats. one morning i passed out and after that i was watched with every single eye of leadership. /sighhhhhhhh. well it was an amazing trip. when i got back for two weeks i lived off fruit. life was swell. then i had mad cravings and bye bye to that hot body. but new years resolutions; do well in year 12 (fuck my life i need a TER of 95.8 to get into pyschology honours ughhhh) stop eating maccas, HJs, and kfc (which has worked extremely well) and to save my small change. as well as tonight where i was watching a talk show and they were saying if you save every $5 note you get after a while you will have saved a fortune! so im gonna try that one :D :D cant wait coz right now im completely pov. also im so happy coz my cars being shipped over in the next 2 weeks, just before i go back to school, its a little red mazda astina from 1993 the best year of course ;) and my dad found an apartment so hopefully i can leave my grandmas, something ive been waiting for a very long time. see my life doesnt sound so bad? right? well lets get to the shit part.

friendship is something i dont want any of you to ever take for granted. please. my best friend had a breakdown coz apparently im all up in my own fucking world and i dont care about her and etc and some nasty things were said. i dont really wanna get into it. lets just say shes not my best friend anymore and i dont think even if she apologized i would be friends with her. ive had support but merrr its pretty shit :( shes moving like 3 hours away for the next 3 months. its weird. maybe its a good thing. i dont know. its why i cant sleep. ugh i wish i could sleep. i have extra school lessons tomorrow my dads paying a heap for so i can get a kick start this year. not being able to sleep totally blows. but for the upside i dont think ive eaten much for the past few days. and i feel extremely inspired to try new things. like i bought these caffeine tablets where you can take one every 3 hours but no less than the 3 hours between so i took 2 within half an hour (as said not to) and it gave me the shakes (which i enjoy) and gave me a little stomach pain but hey i wasnt hungry and thats the best bit hey ;) also the heat! ugh fuck i dont wanna work out but i think its a sign i need to start because i won a 3 day gym membership thing so woo save a little $$$ pplus it forces me to go the gym 3 days in a row. seeing schools back soon that means dancng too :D so my monday nights will be ballet, break, ballet, jazz then kinetic and that means no food woo. and its the holidays and i havent put on any weight but thats without exercise so once i start exercise i will hopefully loose weight. this year is going to be brutal and im almost sure that i can do this. for real this time. ill show you ex bestfriend lol wait until she comes back ill be skinny and she'll be the same fat lard shes always been. shes still got me down in the blues though ugh cant get my mind off it.

also i have a suggestion for a few of you looking at new diets or whatever, i was thinking of the beverly hills diet although i dislike prunes, ugh, yuck. but this new one i only heard of tonight called the shangri-la diet. look it up. sounds like its worth a try.

now that ive spilled most of my heart out i think mayb listening to music will help put me to sleep. i feel a little better for finally writing here. i will be back soon! x