today

it wasnt that bad. i got up this morning and felt fine. had breakfast and thats when my stomach ache started to come on, i had cramps during the first few hours of the day but barely sat on the toilet (sorry about the details). i drank alot of water though and most of the time felt too sick to eat. but after school i had a doctors appointment which my boyfriend drove me too and he bought me 4 packets of lollypops, at least its all just sugar that i can burn off. but then he decided we should eat kfc for dinner. i pretty much just ate the potato and gravy. but i felt so bad about it i just took more laxatives coz i knoew i'll be able to deal with it tomorrow. i also went to the shops and ive bought various healthy snacks to keep me from even thinking about binging so hopefully this goes well :)

as if a good thing could ever make up for all the pain

i got into a pretty big fight with my boyfriend tonight. when im upset i have panic attacks and i have to take some kind of placebo to make me better which is usually just my iron tablets or nodoz. but i just had laxatives, its not that i felt fat (even though i do) i just used it to calm me down. i took a little more than it suggests. i'll update tomorrow to tell you how this turns out. and ill update on my progress of lately. night, hope your all doing well

an apple a day....

i recently read those who ate an apple a day halved their chance of getting cancer and then those who ate 2 apples a day halved the chance again. i cut out the article and stuck it on my wall. right now my metabolism is fucked. while i wanna be healthy, and eat healthy, and be normal its too hard to try and i end up starving then binging then starving and starving and binging. so i wanna try to eat a little more often but healthy stuff of course. do you see that backstage at fashion shows the most common foods eaten by models are apples. and having that cancer cut by eating apples just inspires me to eat them even more. can you guys tell me what your favourite healthy snack is that satisfies your craving to binge?

a whisper to a scream

a scream of desperation. im feeling quite strong lately. i finally bought those laxatives. theyll be sitting in my drawer, just in case. the juice fasting thing well lets just say after one day i ran out of fruit and veges. its expensive. so mhhm. im going nuts in my head. i cant help it. my mind is constantly racing. and i feel so fat its so gross :( but i think it will be ok. i hope it will be ok. ive discovered a love for air popped popcorn. low calories. and im going walking tomorrow morning. schools starting to stress me out /sigh.

semi-juice fast

so my dads great and he bought me a juicer :)! so ive decided that a juic fast is definately needed. although due to my dancing, my intense p.e. class, and my recent blood loss, i would probably pass out at school or something if i was surviving on juice alone. so i researched and researched no fat muffins and i made these cute little muffins with zero fat. so seeing its hard to take the juicer to school (lol thatd be so funny) i'll take one of my muffins :) and the good thing about the juicer is that it came with recipes and calories for all the fruit and veges aha so at least i know whats healthiest etc.

the last few days have been well i think but ive been so tired. so one other thing about this juice fast is that it will have to include caffeine, which will vary from day to day like either sugar free redbull, nodoz, soy lattes, aswell as my diet coke :)

my stomach is looking better already. if this juice fast goes well i think i may actually have the courage to put photos up aha. wish me luck. and one other thing, i was just wondering how long i should do this for. ive figured out for the next few days that i can get away with it for sure. i mean minimum of a week, and i guess if i get into situations where i have to eat i will just continue the fast after or some up with my little excuses :)

laxatives?

opinions. stories. recomendations. etc. anything on laxatives, please help :)!
today has been amazing. all i ate was a pear. i resisted more temptations than im usually offered. and hopefully tomorrow i'll see the results. my mind is racing. chew. suck. slurp. run. walk. faster. peel. i need to have thoughts racing through my mind. it feels good. real fucking good. im tired coz i have had proper sleep for about 3 days now. so not a long post. i'll post again tomorrow, and as i said any info on personel laxative use is needed! thanks lovelies

signing out

today was definately a success, and i could feel the nodoz i had get me so excited and just hyper and i dont wanna eat. my boyfriend came over for dinner and requested i made my classic burgers. so i did and i probably had about 3 bites, which then the smoke alarm went off and while my dad was fixing it, i chucked the rest of the burger out. so today i had an apple, redbull, and 3 small bites of a burger. i also bought lollypops, gum, tic tacs, and sugar free mints while i was at the shopsss :) ive got a good feeling about all this. now im going out and hopefully my alcohol intake wont be too high calorie but im sure ill vomit it up coz my stomach hates booze aha. night all x

Bulimia

im just bored at the moment. im gonna let you all know right now that i could hever be, or have ever been bulimic. i tried once or twice in my younger years and i just couldn't do it. like it was physically impossible. that just means i cant eat. or scoff down laxatives if i do decide to eat shit food. i went for such a long up hill walk this morning im actually sore + tired and its only midday. i had an apple before i walked and had a redbull after. just took 2 nodoz to wake me up a little which will later remind me not to eat while shopping. thats all for now, except hopefully i get my jumping jacks in tonight as my boyfriends coming over and after im going out mhhm im sure i can sneak them in somewhere. i truely reckon they help.

anoretic

ive got this sudden burst of energy, anger. madness. craze. this better be the start of something good. something long lasting. i dont care whether or not people read this blog. its my own personel journel to write about the highlights and failures of my day. my fat day. or my thin day. marya's book, 'wasted' is my new bible. i cant put it down. i think thats whats started this new 'phase' which hopefully isn't just a phase. that book is my new bible. when i finish reading it, i'll pick it back up and start again. over and over again. because if i dont. ill get fat. well fatter than i already am. im done. im buying laxatives. i have nodoz at the ready. i just did 1000 jumping jacks in my cold room with the music playing so my father cant hear the shuffling of my body jumping up and down. so he couldnt hear each THUD as i hit the ground. YOU FAT COW YOU ATE CHIPS AND A BURGER, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT, YOU DIDNT HAVE TO EAT IT, THEY OFFERED YOU COULDVE REFUSED, YOU WERENT EVEN HUNGRY. so you know what, fuck you. tomorrow is a new day. so is the day after that. plan for tomorrow, eat a pear or apple, go do my hiking walk with my gay friend jack and then take 6 nodoz through out the day to stop eating. shopping tomorrow. great its not like i look good in clothes anyway. im looking forward to tomorrow night. were going out to town, and ill just get fucked up and vomit all the alcohol back up. drugs i guess if theyre available. i wanna float through my life ive decided. do whatever i can. achieve everything, take any kind of pill. now i can promise you itll get better from here. pinky promise? i wish. im hopeless, i cant follow this shit. but the thing is, ive wanted to die my whole life, why dont i just starve myself to death? nah coz im too fucking hopeless. i wish i had somebody with me always that would throw food out of my hand when i didnt need it. if this goes to plan i wanna write every night just before i go to sleep.i wanna be good at something. this has to be it.



please

it has begun :)

well as it was good friday i was unable to start ABC today, family feeding is harder to resist than i thought. but i did go for a big walk around the big block with weights then i went to the oval and ran. in the dark. i ran hard. it felt so good. i feel so good. i can feel hunger now it feels so good. i bought nodoz today which will come to good use in the holidays. im still to scared to buy laxatives. should i? please helppppp, girls/guys can you please share your laxative experiences lol.
but yeah im ready to start ABC tomorrow
this is what is inspiring me:
i will be the skinniest girl in school
i want the fur to grow on my back again to keep me warm
i dont care if my hair goes shit, thats when my hair extensions come to good use

im ready for this. i want it now. i want fast results. and over the next two days im going to try and blog every day. and please, please i hope i dont fail. i want this more than anything.

i hope this inspires people :)