starving sundays

so sundays are sacred, they begin with taking laxatives on a saturday night to cleanse the body. sundays i fast with nothing but water and green tea.
so my first sunday of this im doing well, then we decide were going to my grandmas for dinner (who serves the largest portions) she made meat pie with vegetables, now its extrememly important i eat something in front of her. so i ate all the vegetables then a little meat but started pushing it around the plate. my father noticed this and to my suprise said 'you dont have to eat it all' which later he explained was because he knows i only eat small portions so i was delighted. everybody except me had icecream for dessert :) so proud of myself. now on the way home after eating i got horrible digestion and chest pains. i knew it was because it was the first thing id eaten today. so i tried a few hot milos (without milk just water, which i dont think is too many calories). so this morning i weigh 2 pounds less than yesterday :) woo.

todays a new day :)
stay strong x

2:49am mind racing and jittery

so i cant sleep. ive tried everything. so i'll update.everythings getting better, i think that my brain is finally taking this seriously. ive started reading wasted for the 4th time i think. im quite proud of myself today, ive decided i like working, although there are temptations ive overcome those temptations at work and were now selling green tea again which is my choice of shift drink :) which is probably why im currently buzzing. for breakfast i had fat free yoghurt (65 calories) and then for lunch on break at work i had a little mix of celery, cucumber, carrot and 2 rice cakes (approx 100 calories) then as i was home i had a milo with water and a little milk so maybe (??????? calories, cant be too many though). i was disapointed i couldnt exercise today it was pissin down with rain. oh well hopefully this morning (if i ever get any sleep) i should be able to go work out. and im going to buy a proper set of scales, and a skipping rope. i also took laxatives a few hours ago and my belly wont shut up and it aches.

stay strong girrrlies :)

Q.

please provide me with an A.

now the Q, is whats the best you reckon out of: running and walking combined, just walking, or jogging without many stops?
and all is around the same distance
coz i wanna burn fat but i feel lazy if i only walk, and if i sprint then walk or just jog im scared ill gain too much muscle :( i think maybe jogging but with walking rests?

eeeeek iunno, help please :)!

new love :)!

ive found a new love for celery with salsa :)
the celery is supposedly 7 calories for like a bunch, but some say its negative calories.. like i understand why but i dunno whats the truth, oh well 7 calories is almost nothing anyway. and salsa well its like 20 calories the one i have :DDD
so yeah, and stuffs been pretty good, like my boyfriends parents have been away so ive been with him alllllll week and he knows im feeling quite anxious about my weight lately so he ensures i at least eat a bit and what he thinks is 'healthy' yeah fuck you pasta and cookies arent healthy -____-"
anyway, we had casual day at school today and the girl i was talking about previously was wearing leggings (i wish i could wear just leggings and look fantastic) but as she walked past my friends group all just dropped their jaws as to how tiny she really was, (she apparently weighs 35kilos = 77 pounds) now honestly i think it looked good but in a way i can see how my friends thought it was disgusting, but i still long to be her. shes getting help now. but the way her story amazes me is that this has all happened in less than 6 months, she has lost so much weight in this small amount of time and before hand she was even slightly chubby.

thats all for now, take care lovelies :)

you know your looking at a winner

firstly i would like to thank athANAsy (and sorry i dont know how to link your name) and im also apologetic to her because i havent read my own blog for a while and i was unaware she gave me the beautiful blogger award ^__^ your truely beautiful girl :)
now secondly im going to admit my weakness of the past few weeks, while ive been running its done nothing and im not excusing myself for eating shit anymore. its strict intake and strict exercise, also ive decided sundays will be my day of cleanse, which means fasting, and laxatives on a saturday night if i am at home. theres a girl at school and its so obvious thats shes ana, of the past half year shes gone from normal to stick thin and her bones jutting out, just seeing her everyday is inspiration. i started my strictness yesterday and when my boyfriend talked about pizza for dinner i just thought of this girl. the first few days of 'dieting' are the hardest and im prepared to get through these days and then im hoping it will all get easier. wish me luck. im sick of crying and having panic attacks.
unrelated, i have a few therapist sessions to do with family although ill hopefully get my anxiety disorder settled for good

ill update again soon, hopefully :)
stay strong xx

something

cant sleep somethings different. i feel change. theres a feeling inside of me thats different and weird and its result of a change. but what. hopefully positive

a dream or a wish

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars, i could really do with a wish right now

so

fat people are the first to become victims to zombies

positive

so i went shopping with my friend and i just have to buy some nice skinny jeans :) so i go to try on the cutest, black cut up jeans and i cant do the zip up. i start to feel a panic attack come on, but as im in a shopping centre i contaion myself but i just wanted to go home. i dropped my friend home and by now its pitch black. im so angry from the jeans that i go run in the dark. after my recent illness i had lost most of my physical abilities haha so i hadnt run in ages. that was on thursday, and i felt so good after, i made myself a promise to run everyday until i fit into those jeans but one size smaller than the ones i tried on. so its sunday and ive run everyday since then. i admit my intake of food has been disgusting i wont even go into that but its improving. i feel so good from all the running, and so inspired!

can't sleep

so i cant sleep and i think its because ive probably had a little too much caffeine today. mhhm. my life right now is so depressing i just want to cry and never stop. i think i should buy a set of scales because maybe then, i wont give in to the little voice inside my head thats telling me to eat that one little thing. my week went well though because each night before i went to bed i planned out my meals for the day and i followed them well. i incorporated exercise in but not enough. then comes the weekend. i have to work, and working at mcdonalds is the worst possible place to work when you want to be slim. during shift its so so so hard to resist food thats thrown at you. im disgusted by the meat so i dont eat that buts it usually shakes, fries and icecream ughhhh. i just cant help it. luckily im only working two days a week now. and i took my big ass bottle of water in today which probably cut out a bit of my usual intake. im so tempted to quit just so i dont have those temptations but ive been there so long, and they love me and im getting so far. haha i know that sounds lame, that im getting far at maccas but its true :)! im friends with my bestie again, we havent talked for like 2 months, its pretty sad. shes on a diet and wants to start exercising which i said id join her in. this week my goal is to exercise in all my free time no matter what the wheather or time which is usually so difficult for me. so im feeling a mix of shit and a mix of good, but mostly shit haha. oh i wish i wish i could just float away into nothingness...

mhhm

i think im gonna take some time off from writing. i'll still be reading blogs and such but i dont think ill be posting unless ive had any realy success. i have formal in about 10 weeks and right now thats whats pushing me to be healthier. ive decided that my calorie intake for a day has to be between 500 and 1000 because beforehand when i was eating very, very little i would usually binge at some point. ive also decided to build up more muscle because i guess id rather muscle over fat. today went well with around 600 calories and as i had ballet all night i wasn't home, bored so i couldnt binge :) but tomorrow we finish school early and hopefully i dont come home and just binge. oh well hopefully i'll be ok. i promise to write real soon, take care x