ive got this sudden burst of energy, anger. madness. craze. this better be the start of something good. something long lasting. i dont care whether or not people read this blog. its my own personel journel to write about the highlights and failures of my day. my fat day. or my thin day. marya's book, 'wasted' is my new bible. i cant put it down. i think thats whats started this new 'phase' which hopefully isn't just a phase. that book is my new bible. when i finish reading it, i'll pick it back up and start again. over and over again. because if i dont. ill get fat. well fatter than i already am. im done. im buying laxatives. i have nodoz at the ready. i just did 1000 jumping jacks in my cold room with the music playing so my father cant hear the shuffling of my body jumping up and down. so he couldnt hear each THUD as i hit the ground. YOU FAT COW YOU ATE CHIPS AND A BURGER, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT, YOU DIDNT HAVE TO EAT IT, THEY OFFERED YOU COULDVE REFUSED, YOU WERENT EVEN HUNGRY. so you know what, fuck you. tomorrow is a new day. so is the day after that. plan for tomorrow, eat a pear or apple, go do my hiking walk with my gay friend jack and then take 6 nodoz through out the day to stop eating. shopping tomorrow. great its not like i look good in clothes anyway. im looking forward to tomorrow night. were going out to town, and ill just get fucked up and vomit all the alcohol back up. drugs i guess if theyre available. i wanna float through my life ive decided. do whatever i can. achieve everything, take any kind of pill. now i can promise you itll get better from here. pinky promise? i wish. im hopeless, i cant follow this shit. but the thing is, ive wanted to die my whole life, why dont i just starve myself to death? nah coz im too fucking hopeless. i wish i had somebody with me always that would throw food out of my hand when i didnt need it. if this goes to plan i wanna write every night just before i go to sleep.i wanna be good at something. this has to be it.