starving sundays

so sundays are sacred, they begin with taking laxatives on a saturday night to cleanse the body. sundays i fast with nothing but water and green tea.
so my first sunday of this im doing well, then we decide were going to my grandmas for dinner (who serves the largest portions) she made meat pie with vegetables, now its extrememly important i eat something in front of her. so i ate all the vegetables then a little meat but started pushing it around the plate. my father noticed this and to my suprise said 'you dont have to eat it all' which later he explained was because he knows i only eat small portions so i was delighted. everybody except me had icecream for dessert :) so proud of myself. now on the way home after eating i got horrible digestion and chest pains. i knew it was because it was the first thing id eaten today. so i tried a few hot milos (without milk just water, which i dont think is too many calories). so this morning i weigh 2 pounds less than yesterday :) woo.

todays a new day :)
stay strong x

2:49am mind racing and jittery

so i cant sleep. ive tried everything. so i'll update.everythings getting better, i think that my brain is finally taking this seriously. ive started reading wasted for the 4th time i think. im quite proud of myself today, ive decided i like working, although there are temptations ive overcome those temptations at work and were now selling green tea again which is my choice of shift drink :) which is probably why im currently buzzing. for breakfast i had fat free yoghurt (65 calories) and then for lunch on break at work i had a little mix of celery, cucumber, carrot and 2 rice cakes (approx 100 calories) then as i was home i had a milo with water and a little milk so maybe (??????? calories, cant be too many though). i was disapointed i couldnt exercise today it was pissin down with rain. oh well hopefully this morning (if i ever get any sleep) i should be able to go work out. and im going to buy a proper set of scales, and a skipping rope. i also took laxatives a few hours ago and my belly wont shut up and it aches.

stay strong girrrlies :)

Q.

please provide me with an A.

now the Q, is whats the best you reckon out of: running and walking combined, just walking, or jogging without many stops?
and all is around the same distance
coz i wanna burn fat but i feel lazy if i only walk, and if i sprint then walk or just jog im scared ill gain too much muscle :( i think maybe jogging but with walking rests?

eeeeek iunno, help please :)!

new love :)!

ive found a new love for celery with salsa :)
the celery is supposedly 7 calories for like a bunch, but some say its negative calories.. like i understand why but i dunno whats the truth, oh well 7 calories is almost nothing anyway. and salsa well its like 20 calories the one i have :DDD
so yeah, and stuffs been pretty good, like my boyfriends parents have been away so ive been with him alllllll week and he knows im feeling quite anxious about my weight lately so he ensures i at least eat a bit and what he thinks is 'healthy' yeah fuck you pasta and cookies arent healthy -____-"
anyway, we had casual day at school today and the girl i was talking about previously was wearing leggings (i wish i could wear just leggings and look fantastic) but as she walked past my friends group all just dropped their jaws as to how tiny she really was, (she apparently weighs 35kilos = 77 pounds) now honestly i think it looked good but in a way i can see how my friends thought it was disgusting, but i still long to be her. shes getting help now. but the way her story amazes me is that this has all happened in less than 6 months, she has lost so much weight in this small amount of time and before hand she was even slightly chubby.

thats all for now, take care lovelies :)

you know your looking at a winner

firstly i would like to thank athANAsy (and sorry i dont know how to link your name) and im also apologetic to her because i havent read my own blog for a while and i was unaware she gave me the beautiful blogger award ^__^ your truely beautiful girl :)
now secondly im going to admit my weakness of the past few weeks, while ive been running its done nothing and im not excusing myself for eating shit anymore. its strict intake and strict exercise, also ive decided sundays will be my day of cleanse, which means fasting, and laxatives on a saturday night if i am at home. theres a girl at school and its so obvious thats shes ana, of the past half year shes gone from normal to stick thin and her bones jutting out, just seeing her everyday is inspiration. i started my strictness yesterday and when my boyfriend talked about pizza for dinner i just thought of this girl. the first few days of 'dieting' are the hardest and im prepared to get through these days and then im hoping it will all get easier. wish me luck. im sick of crying and having panic attacks.
unrelated, i have a few therapist sessions to do with family although ill hopefully get my anxiety disorder settled for good

ill update again soon, hopefully :)
stay strong xx

something

cant sleep somethings different. i feel change. theres a feeling inside of me thats different and weird and its result of a change. but what. hopefully positive

a dream or a wish

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars, i could really do with a wish right now