wow

so inspired to post again. haha.

its so fucked up
i dont know what to do
yesterday i was the happiest ive been in a while because i felt pure control from both not eating and not talking to my boyf. this is the fucked up part - it made me think my weight would be better off if i didnt have him in my life. i love him and i want both, i want him and to be tiny. argh, last night i was actually considering breaking up with him. him, the one i thought id live the rest of my life with. ugh. fucking hard decisions. and i worked last night (work at maccas) and i was able to resist everything over my 8 hour shift, which is usually quite difficult as i can eat or drink anything i like for free, but i just stuck with diet coke & coke zero. fuck im good haha. and i know for a fact that since me and him have been dating i have put on weight.

besides diet pepsi what other sodas have

i wonder

how long would i be able to live off just diet joke? hahahaha

so i think the plan is: the occasional fruit or veges, and then every other time just diet coke (L) low calorie jelo and smokes woo

havent posted in a while, havent felt like im enough inspiration or inspired enough. but now i am. its odd. i think me eating is related to my boyf. weve been together for 6 months and while im happy with him im still unhappy with my image, i put on weight because i eat around him not to hide the ed but just coz. and so were in a major fight. and i feel majorly inspired without him really. all i had today was some tea (which i have without sugar or milk :D) and 2 cans of diet coke. no gum like usual no lollypops like usual. i just feel happy and energetic. i also took a caffeine pill this morning which is probably half the way i feel this way but HEY IF IT WORKS im loving this feeling :)! plus i bought like the most amazing dress last night and i think itd look better without love handles so i aint eating till after tomorrow night (which is the event in which im wearing the dress) hahahaha woo.

anybody who read this post, place a comment i'd like to know whos really listening and i wanna help everybody (hahaha i feel amazing)

stay strong girls and (maybe) guys
xx

ipicac

have any of you heard of ipicac? its this liquid that makes you vomit, i asked for it at the chemist the other day after an unavoidable binge. well they didnt stock it. so i ordered it online, and i got it today. woo this is good as every time i try to purge it fails, physically. eeeek :)

death

one of my best friends tried to kill herself today, fuck. it made me realize the horror of what i put my boyfriend thru when i tell him i may not be alive tomorrow coz we've had an arguement or something. shit

Rest in peace girl, your death is such a shame
The paper said a bullet got in your way
But I smell foul play, possible poisoning
I had to bring you in for questioning
I went to your grave, dug up your body
Brought it to my house, where you lay

So let's play doctor babe
We'll operate today
Incisions must be made
You could help solve this case
For me...

I headed downtown, to share what I had found
It's not a suicide, it's a crime
I have a witness, it's clearly evident
There had to be someone else present
At the time of death, poisons in stomach
How could she pull it, if she's dead?

So let's play doctor babe
We'll operate today
Incisions must be made
You could help solve this case
We need a scalpel now
Under white lights you lay
We've got to hurry up
Before the flesh decays
Away...away

I'll catch the murderer
And send him away
I'll get the evidence
From your last day

Your last day...

new

so over the past week ive been doing well, not eating fantastic but not too bad either, i can see myself transforming again. id like to also thank some diet pills for a bit of that. but like no joke, i just woke up from an amazing dream. i was a proper anoretic, they put me into hospital and it felt good. it was pure control. even after now being awake i feel inspired. so for the next few weeks/months whenever, im gonna focus my intake purely on carrots and mustard, with the occasional strawberrie, slice of cucumber, or watermelon. because i want this. fuck food, sure it tastes good but since ive been chasing this dream for such a long time its time to make the dream reality. fuck fuck fuck. wow i feel so enthuised. so thats that. ill hopefully update again soon :) stay strong, and i hope you all find the inspiration i have :)

normal

holidays were pathetic. i tried to fast then id break down and eat coz i was working so much. i couldnt handle it. first week back at school i ate healthy/normal. last night i broke down, 5 hours of panic attacks, yelling at my boyfriend, breaking things, crying. until i took 3 sleeping pills and i was knocked out. see ive tried to be normal but it ends out with anxiety. so to control my anxiety i need to control my food /sigh. for the next 3 days ill be living on green tea, water and diet pills. aha. my dad got me a gym membership as im competing in an annual 12k fun run. so yay. sorry i havent blogged in ages i just felt too pathetic. write up soon :) wish me luck on the next 3 days aha. x